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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a violent guy. I’ve never fired a gun, I'm not a fighter.
This is just one of those go-back in time fantasies.
I know a lot of people have them about Hitler.
They ruminate about going back in time and killing ‘Baby Hitler’. I really can’t be bothered. Those fantasies seem fruitless. Killing ‘Baby Hitler’ ‘Baby Saddam’. Now suddenly I’m hearing a ton of ‘going back in time and killing Baby Putin talk’.
Seems like a lot of wasted energy if you ask me. You got to figure these are countries and worlds in so much and rage and roil someone just as diabolical and dastardly is going to morph straight up and replace ‘Baby Hilter’ and ‘Baby Sadam’ in an evil Pez Dispenser sort of way anyhow. ‘Baby Gottwald’? ‘Baby Sharbot'?
No, my sick little twisted fantasy is so much more niche-minded, makes so much more sense, and is so much more self-centered than anything like ridding the world of a tyrant who wipes out millions of innocents. Some days I dream of going back in time and killing 10 babies at birth who I know will grow up to be the greatest stand-ups of all time and then I hurry back to today and do their acts and become a stand-up God. The King of all Comics.
The ruler of all things funny for generations to come.
‘Baby Mikey.’
My idea is I scurry back and forth in time and I snuff out the following;
Baby Eddie Murphy
Baby Anthony Jeselnik
Baby Dave Chappelle
Baby Sebastion Maniscalco
Baby Kevin Hart
Baby Chris Rock
Baby Bill Burr
Baby Dave Attell
Baby Louis C.K.
Baby Ricky Gervais
By the way, this also is not something I’m thinking about doing gently. I’m talking about smothering these little future funny prick babies in the bassinet with a darling as fuck baby-blue pillow. Getting it done quickly and hustling home to the present day where I alone know what would have been their bodies of work and can then capitalize on it.
I’ve gamed it out other ways. I was thinking about having let them live somehow. Simply mind-melded them into not wanting to be stand-ups. Generously even letting them stay in show business. Figuring a way into getting into their heads and talking them into growing up and becoming WME agents, but in the end, I didn’t want to do anything that cruel.
But seriously, me with the best material of Murphy, Chapelle, Maniscalco, Hart, Jeselnik, Rock, Burr, Atell, C.K., and Gervais? Even I couldn’t fuck that career up
You’ll notice I didn’t include any women on this list. I know a lot of folks will read this and think, ‘oh he thinks women aren’t funny’ ‘He must hate women’. ‘He’s in that group that doesn’t think it’s possible for women stand-ups to be funny.’
Wrong. I think there are some funny as hell women. Lots of them. I was going to put three or four on the list who’s material I would love to have.
I just didn’t want to write a column about women that I wanted to kill. That I wished dead. No, too many other women that wouldn’t get the joke and unfollow and mean tweet and hate-social stab me. Not worth it. So guess what? Whitney, Yamenika, Iliza, Rosebud, Elayne Boosler, Carol Leifer, and Merrill Markoe all were spared at birth.
Anyway, this is a better use of time travel I think. Getting rid of ‘Baby Trump’. or ‘Baby Trudeau’ is way too grand and melodramatic of a use for time travel. Using it to turn yourself into a superstar is so much more diabolical. Becoming someone who could so dominate and overpower stand-up with my raw power would put me into a category of evil icon that someone else would have to travel back in time and suffocate in a crib to make everything right again one day.
It’s a mind-boggling fantasy.
The super- villain-joke- thief that nearly destroyed comedy, and thereby, mankind. He had to be stopped!
Okay. Just a thought. I’m a very sick man.
Mike